I've tried eliminating dry cleaning from my day to day life simply because it's bad for the environment and it's expensive. But once in a while even I need some help from the experts to clean a large item or a badly soiled one. While I'm not an expert by any means when it comes to the appropriate tools and items needed for cleaning, I DO know when something sounds like bullshit and I feel the urge to poke out my eardrums with an icepick.
Here is the scene: Me rolling up an oversized queen-sized comfortable into a small enough roll so that it can fit into a garbage bag. After about ten minutes of meticulous rolling and stuffing, I finally crammed the cloth penis into an enormous, but flimsy condom. I couldn't help but look at the thing and laugh. It was obscene. I felt like I should be clothed at all times around that short, stout monster standing at attention in my dining room.
When I finally had a enough guts to take the thing out in public, I threw it in the trunk and drove merrily away, glad to be rid of such an eyesore.
But my troubles were not over.
As I rolled up to the dry cleaners I had a bad feeling about this comforter. I mean I had vacuumed the cat hair off it the week before--it wasn't too bad. The cat puked on it earlier this week--I cleaned it up--no problem. I flopped the unsightly beast onto the counter and said that I needed it dry cleaned.
--What size is it?
--It's a queen.
--I'm going to rip the bag [huffing] I'm not sure if I can get it off.
--It's okay if you rip the bag; I'm going to throw it away.
--Is there anything on it that needs to come off?
[processing, no, I just bring things in randomly just for the hell of it; as a matter of fact, I went down the street to your competitor and had it dry cleaned PRIOR to my coming here so that there would be nothing on it. I can see how swamped you are with business.]
--Well, yes, there's cat hair on it--
--[interrupting] Cat hair? Well, let me look at that cat hair because we I can't send it over with cat hair.
[processing . . . umm why the hell not--this IS a cleaning business, no? And does that not entail cleaning the crap that happens to get stuck on pieces of material?]
--Well, I cleaned off most of the cat hair, but there still is some cat hair on it.
--I have to check this to see how much cat hair is on there [huffing]. [After the inspection] Well, I don't normally send things over there with >>this much cat hair.<<
--Okay, well just do what you need to do [cracking up here].
--There is just TOO much cat hair.
--Umm well that's why I brought it here . . . to get some help getting the cat hair off the comforter.
--Is there anything else on it?
--[having fun here] Well, actually the cat puked on it as well.
--Cat puke? We don't clean up cat puke.
--I cleaned up the cat puke, but there may be a slight spot that needs to be cleaned.
--[She gives me simmering stare] Well, when do you want this?
--When can I have it done?
--How about next Thursday?
--Umm . . . wouldn't you like my name and phone number?
--Oh yeah, [like it's an afterthought] well, what it is it?
[Okay, by this point I'm ready to die laughing. Customer service rating on a scale from 1-10--about a 2. The joy of pissing off an anal retentive buster on a scale of 1-10---10.]
I can only imagine what I'm going to hear from this woman when I come and pick it up.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
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