Why I Hate Cell Phones

I’m not averse to technology by any means and I like the usefulness of the cell phones, but if I see one more person with a cell phone attached to his or her ear I’m going to scream. Don’t get me wrong—I see the usefulness of having a portable phone. It’s fantastic. I love knowing that if I’m driving down the interstate I can call Triple A for service, make arrangements with relatives, or reach my employer on the road.

But do I need to walk into the local greasy spoon chatting it up with my Aunt Zoe in Wisconsin in my phone voice? You know, pause to give my order, then resume the conversation so the rest of my listening audience can relish the tidbits of my dramatic (and very important) life.

I can understand touching base with someone, making arrangements, or plans . . . whatever. But once I stood in line behind a guy telling a friend "Hey, did you know that Bob got engaged and he’s so happy and he proposed to . . . ." Okay . . . this is one of those calls better made at home. And here’s an example of a recent profound conversation overhead at Barnes and Noble:

"Yeah, I caught two perch."

"Nice."

"Nice."

"Nice."

"Nice."

And it went on like that four ten minutes. Gawd!

I don’t know about you, but I enjoy my privacy and use it to screen out the incoming barrage of input. How can you listen to a friend productively if you are paying for your greasy spoon meal or bagging up your potatoes at grocery store while dodging shopping carts? You can’t. I sound so curmudgeonly. I’m not.

I love the entire cell phone culture—and that’s what it is. A cult. As part of the cult, they show extreme submission to a crazy and unpredictable demigod: The cell phone. I enjoy watching people answer their cells doing the cell phone epileptic fit/dance (at least for us women with large purses). Receipts and lipstick, flying out in all directions to get the damn phone lodged underneath a paperback. The cult of the cell phone requires users acquire the special phone language (uh hunh? Ya ya ya ok ok ok ya ya ya). And texting? Wat. r u ok? Brb. Ttyl and k—the new minimalist language devoid of vowels, yet phonetically correct.

The devotion bestowed onto a cell phone even bleeds into a cult member’s everyday life. Take eating out for example. In many cases the cell phone is lovingly set upon the table to view the owner’s meal. Many cell phone owners lovingly hold their cell phone in their hands and stare at them for lengthy periods of time, mesmerized by their features. This little god in a plastic coated box can vibrate, ring and sing to you—even vibrate in your pants (And what other god can do this? Hunh? Nada).

It seems as though in our society, the cell phone has become a socially acceptable and fashionable prop. As families spread out and people move away from home, we become increasingly disconnected from family and friends. The cell phone gives us the impression of being close to others. It can also alert people that we are important and have very weighty matter to discuss that absolutely cannot wait, even if we are shopping alone.